Some short (I promise!) updates...
First off, we got the plat for our lot today! Our real estate agent
says, "Everything else is going well. We are still waiting for a
few signatures from the county and for the attorneys to finalize the
road maintenance agreement." So we are moving along. It's exciting
to look at the plat, it makes it that much more real! It's kind of a
funny-looking lot, because they took the boundary along the contour line
of the hill - but as Bob says, I think that will make it more useable.
Second, Laurel got her first Lupron shot (for precocious puberty) today.
It feels good to finally be doing something about that, too, although of
course it stinks that she has to get monthly shots! She was an absolute
champ - not even a whimper.
Finally, I just have to say how proud I am of the job she did on her
homework tonight. She alphabetized her word list (24 words - I show them
to her two at a time and ask her which one comes first) and did her math
homework (figuring out what to add to two or three numbers in order to
make 20) without a single mistake! We think she is just amazing. 
Yesterday the "Supermom" sign went crashing to the ground at Brownies...
Laurel and I both wound up leaving in tears - actually, by the time
we were driving away, she had stopped crying, me not so much.
To say that Brownies did not go well yesterday, and hasn't been going
very well in general, would be an understatement. Laurel, with her
sensory integration problems, has been having a really rough time
dealing with the shrieking of 18 girls in a small house. I actually
talked her into going yesterday, because I knew it was going to be
outside (so hopefully less loud) and they were going to tie-dye
T-shirts, which part I think she did want to do. She has wanted to
decorate another T-shirt since the one she stamp-painted in preschool
finally died. But we got there and she started to cry. Pulled her out of
her chair and then when that didn't calm her, hauled her back down the
long steep drive to the car and talked to her. Thought she was OK going
back, hauled her back up the long steep drive, started to put her in her
chair and then realized we were making a circle on the ground and
decorating Easter buckets. Picked her back up and negotiated sitting
down on the ground with her on the outside of the circle (which is where
Laurel always ends up, even if she's the first one to the circle). Got
kids to hand us enough stickers that we got a few of them on the bucket
(most of them turned out to be letter stickers and we didn't get ones
that would spell anything), then it turned out we were doing an Easter
egg hunt in the back yard, so I needed to get her back in her chair.
Although I heard the leaders making a great effort to round up all the
other kids, they didn't wait for Laurel and the hunt had already started
by the time Laurel was ready. I took her around the other side of the
house (figuring that all the eggs on the side the girls started on would
be gone) and we found an egg, then the main leader asked one of the
girls to help Laurel by holding her basket and she ran off with it and
gathered the rest of the eggs. Then we were supposed to form a circle
again, but Laurel started crying and wouldn't stop. I decided maybe we'd
better just leave, but as we were going the chair tipped on the steep
hill. Fortunately the main leader ran over and helped me get it righted
before Laurel got hurt, but I don't know if it was panic or frustration
or exhaustion or some combination, but that was where I lost it. Wound
up with Main Brownie Leader walking us back to the car with both Laurel
and me in tears. She gave me a hug at the car, but then I think she was
sorry because she pretty much had to peel me back off her!
I'm of course profoundly embarrassed now, but also trying to figure out
what all the issues were that led up to that. I know part of it was
sheer physical exhaustion. I haven't done much all winter because of
lower back pain (I've seen both a chiropractor and an MD for it and I'm
starting physical therapy on the 24th) and mouth pain (five dentist/endodontist
visits and two rounds of antibiotics - it pretty much hurt from the
beginning of January to a little over a week ago), but then this last
week I had to put out a major effort getting our disability services
board (which I staff) exhibit on universal design and accessibility
ready for the home show this weekend. Lots of physical stuff like
carrying tables and bending over exhibit parts. And part of it was
disappointment that Brownies doesn't seem to be working out - at the
start, she really wanted to do it, and having been a Girl Scout myself,
I really wanted her to do it. Although she told me last night that she
wanted to go back. Through a long series of yes/no questions, I found
out that no, she really mostly hasn't been having fun, but she's still
hoping that it will be fun, and that some of the girls will get to know
her and be her friends. And that she likes getting the badges (she has
one so far and we've been working on others). But Bob and I both told
her that if she wanted to go back, she has to not cry. I just don't have
the stamina to deal with all the physical stuff and the crying,
and if she wants the other girls to get to know her, that's not the way
to do it.
I'm really feeling like this troop is maybe not the best fit for her.
Bob said he found out that the reason one friend of hers (who goes to
our church) left the troop is because she thought the girls were mean. I
told Main Brownie Leader last night that at the first meeting when I
praised Laurel for the great job she was doing letting me work
hand-over-hand with her (sometimes she gets really stiff, but she was
staying nice and loose) and making lots of color choices, one of the
other girls said, "Doing a great job?! She isn't doing
anything!" and her reaction was, well, they're seven years old,
what do you expect? But I know that behavior isn't tolerated at Laurel's
school. Which is actually where all these kids are from, which is part
of the problem with finding another troop - this is the only one where
she's likely to know anyone. There is one girl in the troop who's made a
real effort to reach out to her, but the girls are often counted off
into smaller groups and Laurel doesn't often wind up in the same group.
Brownie Leader told me that she thought next year there should be more
than one troop for this grade level at Laurel's school and that I should
find some of the quieter girls and start it, but HA! As IF I had time to
do that! Not to mention that being Laurel's aide at the meeting takes
all my attention - there is no way I could run the meeting as well.
I also think I got hit last night with DAMN, this is hard! It has been
so hard lately for me to care for her physically, with the back pain
(which I'm pretty sure was at least partly caused by caring for her in
the first place) and now my arm is flaring back up again. And you know,
she's not getting any smaller! And then sometimes the gulf between
Laurel and the rest of the world just seems so enormous and
unbridgeable. Even as she has been doing so well at school, it's just
been hitting me harder that here is a girl of at least normal
intelligence and mostly normal emotions, and she is going to want the
same things when she grows up that other normal people do - someone to
love her and something worthwhile to do with herself - and she is
probably never going to get those things. And then, although Laurel is
very normal in many ways, sometimes she is just strange. The main thing
that makes her laugh is odd noises, and unfortunately, one of them is
the sound I make crying. So I was crying, and she was laughing, and I
was telling her that it's really rude to laugh while people are crying
but then I'd start crying again and she'd laugh some more. Only then I
started crying a different way, and that made her howl, and I had to put
her down because I couldn't take the yelling in my ear.
I got a fair amount of sleep last night so I feel somewhat better today,
but I guess "fragile" would be a good way to describe how I
feel right now. I'm not sure what to do for myself. Actually, this
weekend my choices are sort of limited - I have to work a six-hour shift
at the home show today and do set-up (most of the exhibit stays up, but
we have a computer set up that's been going home with people at night)
and tear-down (all of the exhibit, it's the last day of the show)
tomorrow. Tomorrow's my birthday, but other than presents and cake I
don't think we'll be able to do much. I am seriously considering
taking Monday as a mental health day - I'll have enough hours in to
cover it anyway. But like I said, I'm not sure what I need right now.
Things to be different...but that's not gonna happen...
The last week and a half have been all over the place...
I did take that Monday off, and I was proud of myself for actually going
out and doing things - took myself to lunch, bought some new sneakers
and did a bit of other shopping, and went on a hike - instead of making
myself more depressed and less mentally healthy by being a lump all day,
which I've been known to do on "mental health" days.
So, by the time the real estate agent called Wednesday night and told me
that there was no way the well could be drilled before the contract
closed on Friday, I was feeling better, but apparently not good enough
to not yell "NO!" at her and hang up the phone. She was
telling me that it was impossible to drill the well before the contract
closed because it wasn't our property, and of course we had it in the
contract that the well was to be drilled and come in at at least 4
gallons per minute or we could get out of the contract. We had that in
the previous contract and I know she'd been aware of it, so I don't know
how she forgot, but I was clearly lacking in the patience for an
explanation. She called back a few minutes later - I just handed the
phone to Bob - and gee whiz, guess what, it was in our contract and
she'd be sure that it happened. The upshot turned out to be that the
builders didn't want to close on Friday anyway because they hadn't had a
chance to do a title search (the sellers' lawyer still hadn't signed off
on the plat, and the title search couldn't be done until that happened)
and the closing has been put off for a month to allow for both the title
search and the well drilling. Meanwhile, Bob and I are both a little
nervous, because the builder wants to meet us out at the lot again on
Saturday about the house location and we thought we'd already settled on
that, so now we're wondering what's gone wrong.
Laurel was scheduled to sell cookies on Saturday. I had quite a
conversation with her about it and thought she was OK with that idea. I
also told her that if she did OK with it we'd go to the craft store
afterwards and buy a tie-dye kit and a T-shirt, because she had
indicated that decorating a shirt was still something she really wanted
to do. But, the minute we got up to the cookie booth she just started to
howl, even though the weather was beautiful and two of the girls there
really seemed like they wanted to talk to her. I tried to figure out
what was wrong/get her to settle for about 20 minutes, but I finally
just had to give up and turn for the car, at which point she immediately
stopped crying. I was pretty mad and told her everything from "You
know those girls wanted to talk to you, and you said you wanted to make
friends, but crying is no way to do it" to "I'm really
disappointed in you for not even trying, I didn't think you were such a
quitter." (Mom lives on... 
) Needless to say, we didn't go to the craft store. We WILL still go
eventually, I hadn't meant to make it her punishment that she would
never get to do the T-shirt, just that she wouldn't get to do it that
day.
The last few days with her have been better - her wheelchair was
adjusted to account for her growth so she's been more comfortable in
that, and she has decided that adults going "Woof!" and
"Yip!" (this all started with "Biscuit Wants to
Play," a book we got from school for her to read as homework) is
hysterical. It's so funny, in fact, that when I had her read the Biscuit
book (I give her time to read the page, then tell her to look at me when
she's done, then I read the page out loud to her), after the first
couple of "Woofs" she was giggling every time she read the
word "Woof"! I figure that at least tells me something about
her reading ability. 
But
I'm really not sure what's going to happen with the whole Brownie thing.
I really felt like the situation on Saturday should have been a good one
- like I said, beautiful weather, and just a few other girls who weren't
shrieking or being obnoxious at all. The next thing coming up is the
troop's trip to the Build-A-Bear Workshop on April 4 (paid for by their
cookie money). The leader gave me the choice of just taking a gift
certificate and going separately, but when I last asked Laurel (before
Saturday), she said she wanted to go with the troop. I'm planning to ask
her again, but if she says yes and then starts crying the minute we get
there like she did on Saturday, I think that's going to be it for us and
Brownie Scouts.
Oh, and meanwhile, I started physical therapy for my back on Monday. The
PT sounded hopeful that she could help me, so I'm feeling hopeful too.
And then I went for my physical yesterday, which I'd been putting off
because they review my antidepressant and, well, I'd been feeling pretty
depressed, but if I don't continue to be reported as being stable on
antidepressants it could mess up our adoption. But overall I've been
feeling better lately - I think not having constant mouth pain is
helping - so I decided I was up for it. Only bummer is that I asked if
he could give me something for my AF cramps - ibuprofen hasn't been
cutting them at all lately - and he did, but it didn't help (I was still
cramping yesterday even though AF had started on Saturday - heck, I'm
even still cramping a little today - so I got it filled right away). I'm
especially bummed because we're getting our annual CP of Virginia
respite weekend on April 18-19, and now it looks like I'm going to be
spending it with horrible cramps. (The doc said he wanted me to try the
prescription for a couple of months before he'd consider trying anything
else.)
Another couple of things I did for myself were to advertise for more
co-moderators for Freecycle, saying that I was looking for an "exit
strategy" before I moved this fall, and call Laurel's aide at
school about whether she'd be interested in taking care of Laurel
outside of school hours (we haven't managed to connect yet - she's been
sick lately). So I'm feeling like I'm taking some steps to try to make
things better, and overall, I'm feeling better.