So our first meeting with the social worker will be next Tuesday, the
11th, at 10:30. Gaah I'm busy in April - that was hard to schedule! But
we are on our way! Boy, she sounds young, though - if she's as young as
she sounds, kind of weird to have our fate decided by someone almost
young enough to be our daughter herself. Oh well, I'm getting old, I
guess I'd better get used to it! 
Laurel just slept in her "new" room for the first time last
night - and BADLY, I might add. Between that and my cold boomeranging on
me I was a walking zombie today, but too many commitments at work not to
go. Anyway, it's still not done - we still have a couple of pieces of
furniture to assemble, the valances and the hooks for the curtain
tiebacks to get up, the doorframe to finish (not being able to close the
door because we can't put the doorknob back is annoying the $#%! out of
me, but Bob seems terrified that he'll scratch the doorframe with one of
the pieces of furniture 
), and stuff to put on the walls.
And just to make my life more exciting, Bob was going to assemble one of
the pieces just now but found out one of the parts was cracked.
Agh, how long am I going to have to live without this child having a
closeable door? (Her room is RIGHT across the hall from ours - and we
can't close our door because the cat will howl outside of it if we do.)
But anyway, I promise pictures when we're done! (I did take
"before" pics, too.)
Projects, projects, projects, whoo-wee do I
have projects! I usually like to keep myself busy but this is a bit out
of hand even for me:
1) Collecting paperwork for adoption dossier;
2) Decluttering house for home study;
3) Working on mom's house when I can (I just spent the weekend up there,
by myself - we decided that Laurel had been through enough disruptions
lately with her room being done, and that we would both sleep better if
she stayed home - it was strange and sad and highly allergenic and I'm
glad to be home!);
4) Getting ready to eBay some of the stuff I've been bringing back with
me - I figure I have several hundred dollars' worth of model train stuff
and Elvis box sets (Marie said it was OK by her if I wanted to do that,
she doesn't have the ambition - and heaven knows we could use the
money);
5) Finishing Laurel's room, which still isn't done! Although a lot of it
at this point is waiting for things to arrive in the mail (pieces to
finish assembling the furniture, prints for the walls).
As for summer plans, looks like ours is already pretty well mapped out.
Laurel gets out of school on June 8th, we're going to go up to
Pittsburgh June 10-18, going to D.C. June 29-July 2, Laurel will probably
go to summer school from the first week of July through the first week
in August (the school district never decides what they're going to do
about summer school till the last freakin' minute - annoys the heck out
of me), we'll probably pull her out a day early so we can fly out of
D.C. to California the day after the Jimmy Buffett concert (which is in
the D.C. area on Thursday evening, August 3, so it makes sense to us to
just be packed and ready to leave), we'll probably fly into LAX and
visit with my mom on both ends of the trip, but of course spending the
bulk of it in San Francisco, coming back August 20 because Laurel starts
school that week (kindergarten has a staggered start, though, so we're
going to campaign for her to meet her aide and start getting to know her
on Monday but not start school till Wednesday).
Well, at least I won't be bored... 
Back from our first home study appt - we spent
the first half hour just filling out paperwork! For our criminal
background check, child protective services check, to swear that we
would never use corporal punishment (! We didn't mind signing it, but
weren't expecting it), that we understood the fees, that they could
share information with Harrah's, and gosh I can't remember but I'm
pretty sure there were more. Then we got handed a huge stack of
questionnaires that Harrah's had sent them for us to fill out -
everything from our married life to views on Asian people, discipline
plans, guardianship plans (we actually have to have our chosen guardian
sign - and ack, we've never even been able to decide for Laurel!). There
were some questions that to us were real side-splitters, like "Are
you prepared to have people stare at your family and ask
questions?" Anyway, that's all homework. We spent the next 45
minutes answering difficult questions about our marriage, friends,
religion, etc. I think we did OK, although I was embarrassed
about my lack of IRL friends. Our next appt is April 21.
OK, gotta stop thinking about answers to essay questions and start
thinking about work...
I had a rougher time this morning than I expected...I took all my leftover IUI/IVF meds and lots of leftover syringes and alcohol wipes and what-have-you to donate to the RE's office today. They give them to women who couldn't afford to do IUI otherwise. I gathered them up Tuesday night - fine. Talked to a nurse about my donation on Wednesday - fine. Got to the RE's office, chatted to the nurse who was there about our adoption (a different nurse, and one who I knew a lot better than yesterday's - her first words when I said what I wanted to do were "Are you SURE?") - fine. Got in the car to go - bawled my eyes out. There weren't even any words running through my mind while I cried, I just cried. I almost skipped my next errand (taking the closet doors we'd replaced in Laurel's room over to the Habitat Store), but by the time I was downtown I was doing better, so I went. I went right into a staff meeting at work and was fine there, but now that I'm out and sitting at my desk, I'm out of sorts and having trouble gearing up for the many things I need to do in the next four hours. Not that I would have done anything differently. Not that I was for a moment seriously entertaining doing anything with that Bravelle. I guess maybe it's just the sound of the final door slam? I'm finding myself tearing up again as I'm sitting here, and again, there aren't any words with it - I'm just sad.
OMG...my mom is dead. I just got off the phone with my sister a few minutes ago. She apparently died in her sleep. Which is what she wanted. They found her this morning after she didn't check in. But she's been so miserable lately - her doc in Pittsburgh had suspected a gall bladder problem. Plus I've long suspected depression. Marie had just finally gotten the insurance and doctor thing straightened out this morning so she could see someone in California. I had just mailed her birthday card this morning. Her 80th birthday would have been this Easter Sunday. I so wish she had made it that long - I was going to call her then, haven't called for several weeks. I almost called last weekend when I was at her house but for some reason I didn't. I so, so wish I'd called. I wish I'd asked all the questions I meant to ask her before she died. And I had just hoped that we could get her feeling better and happier before she died. It's too late now. I guess this solves the problem of how I was going to tell her about the adoption...
I think after the initial shock, I'm having
trouble processing...I'm so incredibly swamped at work, there's no way I
can take any time off. Maybe a couple of days after the funeral (which
is looking like it will be the 29th). I have a conference for the next
two days, then one day to put together a recycling display for the Earth
Day Festival on Saturday, oh yeah and somewhere I have to find four more
folding tables and organize the volunteers for the free sale that's also
at the Earth Day Festival, then next week I have a day and a half to
finish writing the Recycling Action Plan before what's likely to be a
somewhat contentious meeting of solid waste professionals. Then I go off
that evening to the Virginia Natural Resources Leadership Institute (for
which I've done almost none of my homework), driving back from Southwest
VA Thursday night so we can leave for Pittsburgh on Friday. Then maybe
I'll have time for things to sink in. Maybe I'm doing the anger stage of
grieving right now, because I'm feeling really pissed that I have to do
all this stuff. But this is the problem when you're a one-woman
department (actually two departments, environmental planning and
Disability Services Board) and your only back-up is your superior who's
more swamped than you are.
Anyway, I did have some time over the weekend - Bob gave me most of the
weekend off from Laurel, and I did some really therapeutic weeding on
Saturday and then went to church on Sunday and wound up crying my eyes
out - what started me off was finding out we weren't having "Joys
and Concerns" (because heaven forbid the service should run too
long) so I wouldn't have a chance to say anything to the congregation
and then the minister kept going on about joy and the season of rebirth,
etc etc and the more he went on the harder I cried. Laurel melted down
about 1/3 of the way through the service and Bob had to take her out,
and I left about 2/3 of the way.
Everything just feels so difficult - I thought I had a babysitter lined
up for a hike this weekend, but I just now wrote her and said
"never mind" because it turns out she can only come for 2 1/2
hours, which would give us maybe an hour to actually hike and I just
hate feeling that rushed. And I wrote the director of the Avalon Academy
(in San Francisco) about the summer program for Laurel and it turns out
the only two weeks they're not full (with a waiting list) are the second
week we wanted and the first week Laurel's supposed to be in school. So
I called Laurel's preschool teacher and she is researching whether it
would be a problem for Laurel to start late.
Oh well, anyway, I have to call someone about a table, call someone else
about carpooling to the conference on Thursday, and then find the e-mail
addresses for the volunteers I'd signed up for the free sale so I can
find out which ones are available for set-up and which ones for
tear-down. Oh yeah, and figure out why Laurel's toy keeps shouting
"A" about every five minutes. And probably separate Bob and
Laurel at some point, because I can tell they're getting impatient with
each other. I wish I could just stop and be! But right now I have to
just keep moving. It sucks.
What a crazy week. Among other things I got up at 5:30 two mornings in a row to drive to the Environment Virginia conference in Lexington, got up at 7:00 on Friday to go to our home study appt, got back to my office at 2:00, stayed there till 10:00 to work on a recycling exhibit for the Earth Day Festival and came home and did more work till almost midnight. And the festival - ai yi. I still hurt from moving tables. At least my shoes have finally dried out, but I probably need to spread out my exhibit to dry when I get to work.
Yesterday I finally got some time - finally got to light a candle during the "Joys and Concerns" part of the service at church and spent some time walking the labyrinth behind the church (although I had to chase off a couple of idiots standing next to it jabbering about their vacation plans - it was like, um, excuse me, but this is a place for quiet meditation and I'd like to do some quiet meditating here...). I have a feeling things will crash down on me a lot harder when we go up to Pittsburgh for the funeral service this Saturday. Right now it still feels unreal in a lot of ways.
I just got back last night from the Virginia
Natural Resources Leadership Institute in Southwest VA, where I've been
since Tuesday night. I decided to tell people up front in the "any
news since last time" section about my mom dying, which I felt sort
of strange about but I wanted people to know why if I did wind up
breaking down or anything. And I was glad I did, because in fact, we had
an Appalachian storyteller Wednesday night and at the end she read a
poem about the old men and their stories and how she wished she'd asked
more questions and I just lost it (in fact, I'm crying again now
thinking about it!). But one of my classmates came over and talked to me
and I wound up hanging out with her and her cabinmates for the evening.
I was kind of braindead for a number of the sessions, but I was glad I
went for the fellowship.
Anyway, we are driving up to Pittsburgh today (hopefully leaving in a
couple of hours), and the funeral is tomorrow at 1:30. My cousin (on my
dad's side, daughter of my aunt who died in 2001) and my in-laws are
coming too! I am really grateful that I have these people in my life who
care enough about me to travel from Minnesota (my cousin too - she lives
about an hour and a half from my in-laws, we usually see her when we
visit them) to Pittsburgh. Aside from them and my sister (and maybe one
nephew), I'm only expecting a couple of others for the funeral, friends
of my mother that no longer lived in her neighborhood but were still in
the area. One of the crappy parts of being at VNRLI was that I had to
call them from there to tell them (I was waiting till we knew when the
funeral was, and we didn't know until Tuesday).
I should get going, we want to be ready to go when Laurel gets home from
school in two hours, but that's the update. We're coming back on Monday
night so I'll write again on Tuesday.