Can I just say how sick I am of TTCing?
It hit me last night, as I forewent taking ibuprofen for my aching
legs (I did some gardening yesterday evening and was squatting a lot)
that I have done 40 weeks of 2-week waits and nothing to show for it
(I'm in the middle of watching cycle #20 and IUI #1 go bust - no AF yet
but spot and a negative HPT this morning). I am so tired of worrying about which
pills I take, whether I can drink, how much caffeine I'm having, etc. I
wouldn't mind a bit if I were PG but doing it all to no purpose month
after month is really getting to me. 
Thanks, just needed to get that off my chest...u/s this morning showed that my ovaries looked good so on to IUI #2...
Well, we are putting an end to the babysitter search...it has been very,
very frustrating. I've taken countless phone calls, scheduled 13
interviews over the past two weeks, and had exactly 4 people show up.
Three called to cancel, but the rest just blew us off! We can't keep
going on with this, though, so I called the first person we interviewed
and offered her the job (unfortunately she wasn't home, so I had to
leave a message). I would be close to feeling that maybe this was a sign
it was time to throw in the towel at work, except that a great
opportunity has come up with our county government! They are looking for
a watershed manager, and it pays about ~$20,000 more a year, involves
more field work and implementation (which I would love - I get so sick
of being trapped all day every day at the computer), and of course would
involve a different boss. 
I've known the guy who held the job for years (and I've always wished I
had his job) and think I have a real shot at it. I'm nervous about it,
though, because it would be full-time and start earlier than I've had to
get to work in years. But overall I think it would be so much better
than my current job and so I gulped and hit the "Submit"
button on my on-line application this morning. Wish me luck!
We are off to PA in a couple of hours - Laurel's NACD re-eval is
Monday and we thought we'd get in a little R&R first - we could use
a break. Planning to go tonight to Longwood Gardens for a carillon
concert and the lighted fountain show and tomorrow, to eat lunch with
some friends and take a "Duck" tour of Philly. See you all
Tuesday! 
Back from PA...the trip was quite the roller coaster. Laurel seemed to be having intestinal difficulties (and maybe some teething? Couldn't see anything, but there are still a few molar corners that aren't up and she was sure drooling a lot) and was miserable for a lot of the weekend. When we got to Longwood Gardens Saturday night, she just cried and cried. *Finally* she fell asleep to the carillon music, and she was better although not great for the rest of the evening. She slept through the first part of the fountain display but then woke up and I think enjoyed it.
Sunday morning she was doing pretty well, and totally floored us and contradicted what I had just written on her NACD evaluation report by spending 35 minutes playing with a toy. It's a stacking toy with 25 foam shapes (5 shapes and 5 colors) that fit around 5 foam pegs that fit into a foam board. I held it sideways for her so it would be easy for her to pull the pieces off and over the 35 minutes she pulled off every single one of the pieces and all five pegs, too. We had *no* idea she had that kind of attention span! And I had written that she was not doing well lately with using her arms, because mostly she hasn't been. It's been on my mind as a worry along with the head jerks (which she is still having plenty of - neuro appt Aug. 19) although since Bob and I talked about it over the weekend, we are thinking that the problem is that actually Laurel's shoulders have loosened up and she's not sure how to use them now (she has always used her high tone to do things). Anyway, I played with her arms a lot to help her "find" them and it seemed to help, at least with the left one (she did the whole thing with her left hand, which is the hand she most often uses).
Anyway, that was during her tube feeding and right afterwards, we took off for lunch at the house of some friends (actually parents of some friends! But those friends moved out of town and we now see the parents more than the friends). No sooner did we get there than Laurel was miserable. We stayed and ate and there were periods where she was OK, but she cried a lot and eventually we excused ourselves to go back to the hotel with her.
We had barely set out when we just missed getting into a bad accident! As it was, the side of our van is scraped and we are going to have to have a couple of panels replaced (this poor van - I feel like we've entered it into a contest to see how many panels we can have replaced before it's even a year old). But the SUV that was behind us was hit head on. Basically a driver coming the other way was drunk or high or asleep or something and came straight into our lane, clipping us on the way. It was one of those things that makes you really reflect on what a difference a few seconds make - a few seconds ahead of where we were and we would have gotten off scot-free, a few seconds behind and we'd have been where the SUV was and maybe it would have been Bob who would have been off to the hospital with a possible broken ankle (which is what happened to the driver of the SUV - it *looked* like everyone else was all right, but the vehicles were totaled). We had to sit around for quite a while while the police got things sorted out (of course, this was really thrilling Laurel) and then finally made it back to the hotel.
After a nap and some more misery Laurel finally got out a big poop and seemed to feel better, so we headed off to Philly and made it onto the last Duck tour of the day. That was SO much fun! It's an incredibly silly experience - everyone gets handed a "wacky quacker" before they get on and the driver directs the group to quack at various people along the way. He also blares assorted music, bounces up and down on his specially-designed chair, and generally makes a complete fool of himself (at least ours did). The looks on the faces on the people along the street are priceless. Oh, and somewhere in there he actually does some tour guiding (although we had to say "Wow, Captain!" every time he said "first," as in "first president," "first flag," etc.). Anyway, it was the most ridiculous thing we've done in just ages and we had a GREAT time. I think Laurel liked it too, although it was a bit loud for her at times and she had to take a 15-minute power nap during it.
We went to dinner at TGI Friday's afterward and I had promised myself
that if last cycle was a bust I was going to have a good drink, so I
ordered something called "One Free Hour in the Candy Store"
which involved chambord, creme de noya, amaretto, grenadine, ice cream
and Oreo cookies. It was one of the strangest things I've ever drunk,
seemed like it went through three or four flavors with every sip, but it
was good and a nice ending to the day.
(And miraculously, my allergies didn't kill me! LOL)
So Monday was Laurel's NACD re-eval. She was miserable for a lot of
that, too! But calmed down long enough for the evaluator to see what a
nice job she's doing looking at picture cards, and how much she tries to
follow directions. Laurel's new program is a mixed bag - there are some
things on it that she's had before that I know she's going to hate and
other things that are brand new that I'm excited about (and a number of
things that fall somewhere in between). The thing that I'm most excited
about is that we are going to try to teach Laurel to read! We are to
make up cards with words in a large font, starting with "yes"
and "no" and then other words that would be useful in
communicating with her, and start showing them to her. I really think
she could get this - she can already often choose correctly between
colors, shapes, and letters of the alphabet, so why not? We're also
supposed to take pictures of toys, clothes, etc so she can make choices
with them. We're going to have to get a digital camera for that, though.
(Well, OK, I have mixed feelings
actually...I want a digital camera but not to spend the money right
now...)
So, anyway...last night we got home late only to find a message from Laurel's ex-preschool teacher (who had asked if she could sit Laurel this week because the county screwed up her paycheck and she needed the money) that a family friend had died and her parents were going to the funeral and she was needed to go take care of her parents' animals. So, a call this morning to the sitter in the next county, again...thank goodness she is so willing to help out on short notice! Meanwhile the person we had decided to hire, it turns out had already accepted another job offer. *But*, someone who had sounded very qualified but had not thought it would work out for her money-wise called over the weekend to say she had found something else in the morning and she thought between the two jobs it would be OK, if we were still interested. So I have a call in to her to get more detail on that and if it does sound like something that would work out, to schedule her for an interview. Otherwise, there was one other person we interviewed that seemed like she might have been OK...actually, I really liked her attitude, we were just concerned about whether she was up to it physically. But if it comes down to it I'm thinking maybe we should give her a chance...
MEANWHILE (man, this thing just goes on and on, doesn't it? 
) Danielle resurfaced on an e-mail list I'm on, something called
Freecycle (it's a message board to give away or look for free things,
there are regional ones all over the country, check it out! http://www.freecycle.org
). I had told her about it and she had joined while she was still
working for us, but she hadn't posted since disappearing. Well, there
she was over the weekend, blithely posting various things she had to get
rid of (including some chairs that she said she had thought she was
going to refinish but didn't have time for after all (!)) and that she
was looking for. I could NOT stop myself from sending her an e-mail
saying "Well, at least now we know you're still alive."
Believe me, it took all my self-restraint not to follow that up with a
big, fat, hairy piece of my mind! Seeing her post like that (and I can't
imagine she didn't know I would see her post, I'm a co-moderator of the
list for pete's sake) really brought a lot of anger to the surface. But
I am trying hard to take the high road...I just have to tell myself that
as unpredictable/irresponsible as she has proved herself to be, we are
better off clear of her.
ANYWAY! I think that's finally all the news! A "One Free Hour in
the Candy Store" (or maybe just something involving ice cream and
Oreos without all the other stuff for the less adventurous 
) to the brave souls who finish this.
Hopefully, the end of the babysitter saga...
We offered the job to someone and she accepted and will start on Monday. Unfortunately the person who had called back saying maybe it would work out for her after all wasn't able to make her interview, and she did call and try to reschedule but she couldn't come until the weekend and I had promised our only other reasonable candidate an answer by today. The whole thing with her had seemed iffy anyway (her being able to work for us was dependent on being able to get another job in the morning, and she had one in mind but wasn't sure yet if the hours were really compatible or if, of course, she would even get it), so I was afraid there was a real risk of having to start all over again and decided that I would rather hire the other person, the one whose main drawback was that we weren't totally sure if she was up to lugging Laurel. When I called her, she waffled because she had just gotten another offer from someone who was paying the same amount but under the table so it would be tax-free. We are not comfortable with doing that (would be a little happier if she weren't either, but I guess you can't have everything) so weren't prepared to match that. But she decided that the other job, for a 220-lb quadriplegic, sounded like more of a physical strain than ours so she accepted our offer. Please cross your fingers that this works out!
Meanwhile, I continued to be really bothered by the presence of our ex-babysitter on the Freecycle list and briefly banned her (before a horrible fight with Bob in which he shamed me into undoing it). But in the process ended up with several pretty toxic e-mail exchanges with her. It was very educational and I'll spare the details, but just wanted to say that I now know what happened - she is prone to panic attacks and had one, and then didn't have the courage to call us and admit to what happened. So, I think it really is just as well we are getting another sitter. We said I think just about all we had to say to each other (our last e-mails were both a lot calmer) and FWIW, I'm feeling closure on that front. Hopefully it will be onward and upward from here!
AUUUUGGGGHHHHH...this is UN-freakin'-BELIEVABLE!
The babysitter saga is NOT over! The person we'd hired called to say that her car has broken down, she doesn't have the money to get it fixed and she has no idea when it will be fixed, so she won't be taking the job. Apparently her car has 300,000 miles on it and she was hoping it would last until she'd gotten some money from a job.
Sooo...I called the babysitter in the next county back up and guess
what? She has another child starting there tomorrow so no room for
Laurel now. She gave us a number for someone who has experience with
special needs and has two kids, and is looking for someone else to take
care of at her house. I gave her a call and we are going to take Laurel
over there tomorrow. She sounded GREAT over the phone but I'm not sure
it's a long-term solution. For one thing, I don't know for sure whether
the county bus will take Laurel there - they live in university housing
which is in the city, but it's apparently served by county schools.
Also, I worry that Laurel won't be able to take her afternoon nap with a
5-month-old and a 3-year-old around - she wasn't when we were taking her
out to the other babysitter and she was just a little zombie by the time
we got her. But it seems like at least a temporary solution, and who
knows, maybe it will work out to be a permanent one. Meanwhile I also
called back that person who had missed her interview last week and
wanted to reschedule and we're going to have her come for an interview
too. I'm SO hoping that one of these people works out, I do NOT NOT NOT
want to have to run that ad and start all over again! I just can't
believe this... 
Well, we ARE going to have to run the ad again...I could just cry.
The person we were going to try to interview this week was supposed to call back yesterday and never did and now, the person we've been taking Laurel to just called to say she doesn't think she can do it after all. She feels it's taking too much time away from her kids. She offered to do it part-time but I don't think we can make that work - for one thing, even if we could find someone else for the other part, the school bus has to go the same place every day. She *did* say she would watch Laurel until we could find someone else.
She just seemed really terrific and I am so, so sad. Actually, now I
*am* crying. I am starting to wonder if quitting wouldn't really be the
best thing...I haven't heard anything on that other job so I'm starting
to get discouraged about that too. It would be so tight and I honestly
don't think I'd like being a SAHM very much. But I'm starting to wonder
just how much heartache it's worth to keep working. I just can't stand
this... 
Laurel's neuro appt and update on the sitter situation...
I just got back from Laurel's neuro appt. Actually, that's a misnomer - we never saw the doc, just the nurse. Anyway, the nurse says the head jerks could be anything from behavioral to relatively benign myoclonic seizures to the beginnings of Lennox-Gastaut Syndrome, and the only way to know for sure is to get the 24-hour EEG. So we are trying again for an admission. We lucked out (sorta) and they had an opening on Aug. 30 - otherwise it would have been October. I say sorta because it just happens that Bob is going to be out of town then (he has to go to West VA overnight on the 29th) so it will be up to me to do the Laurel-wrangling. But I would rather do that than wait till October.
Meanwhile the person who we've been taking Laurel to took it upon herself to call a friend of hers who's a nursing student about taking Laurel one day a week. It dawned on us that one day a week we take Laurel to her massage so duh, we can pick her up from school and do that and then deliver her wherever. Actually, the second person offered to do it at our house and I think, although her apartment is more convenient to our offices and the therapist, with so many changes going on (what with school starting Monday and all) that it would be less traumatic for Laurel to come home than to go to yet another strange place. Anyway, we are meeting her at 6:30 this evening. And meeting Laurel's new teacher at 5:30.
I'm trying not to hope TOO hard that this will all work out because that's part of what's been taking its toll on me - I keep thinking we've found a solution and then it gets yanked out from under me. Yesterday I just felt like I'd hit a wall, I felt so exhausted. I took Laurel to the sitter and stopped and ran an errand and just felt like I could hardly move another step. So I ended up trading cars with Bob and going home. I mostly hung out on the bed all day and napped (some, I couldn't seem to sleep much though) and read. Even making a sandwich seemed like an enormous amount of work. I felt so guilty (especially since I'm out of sick leave so I'm going to have to either make it up or have it taken out of my pay) but I have to say, I feel a lot better today.
I *did* find out yesterday that the school bus will take Laurel to this sitter's place. Also yesterday, one of the county supervisors left a message on my voice mail. I tried calling her back today but she hasn't been home. I've been going nuts wondering if there's any chance she's involved in the hiring process for the job (if any supervisor were involved, it would be her) or if she just has some random question about one of my programs (if any supervisor did, again, it would be her). But, I need to settle down and get some work done - just a couple of hours and I'll need to take off to meet the teacher...
Hmmm...maybe the two-babysitter thing *won't* work. The one we were supposed to meet tonight canceled because her husband was having chest pains. She had told Bob that her husband had open-heart surgery last December and she was concerned that that would be a problem. Maybe he just isn't stable enough. (This is an education for me - I had NO idea it took so long to recover from open heart surgery! I have to admit that part of me is wondering if it really does...). She said she would call back (this was just a message we got while we were at the school) so I guess we'll see, but I'm sure not feeling very encouraged right now.
Meanwhile, the teacher seemed nice, after she finally acknowledged my existence - I made the mistake of walking into the room right after an old friend of hers and she ignored me until after the friend left (Bob wasn't there yet). Not a great start but the conversation went fine after that. We learned that sure enough, Laurel's best friends (the "reverse-mainstream" twins) have left, but the good news is, so has that boy who was disrupting the class. There are three new boys (so the class size is still 8) but the teacher said they seemed well-behaved. The teacher actually started out as a special-ed teacher and then spent a number of years as an OT, so it will be interesting to see what she brings from that perspective. Turns out she goes to our church too (as does Laurel's regular OT) but we've gone so little since Laurel was born that we didn't recognize her.
Anyway, that's the latest...
I got called for an interview!!! Actually by a friend over at the
County who I had e-mailed last night to find out what was going on,
since it had been awhile. So he's involved in the hiring process (I
wasn't sure), which has to be good news.
It'll be Tuesday Sept. 7th at 10 AM. Please keep me in your thoughts
then. I'm so excited and nervous already! 
Update on various odds-and-ends...
First off, we got the insurance confirmation this time for Laurel to go into the hospital to get the video EEG. So she really *is* going in Monday morning, with Bob, meanwhile, leaving tomorrow night for West VA. He'll be back Monday evening and is going to take the night shift at the hospital. This should provide some answers...praying it doesn't confirm my worst fears.
My sister called last night, having left my mom's house after
visiting there for several days. She was very depressed, and although a
good number of the things she said were things I knew, there were two
new things and one that I was hoping wasn't as bad as I think it really
is. One, that Mom's legs have swollen below the knee so badly that
they're pretty much one size all the way down, and she can't even Velcro
her shoes closed any more. Two, that the space heater in her bedroom was
on full blast and covered in catalogs and newspapers. 
And three was a collection of anecdotes about Mom's memory both near and
far term - Bob and I have been worried for some time, but it's still
hard to hear confirmation.
Also, Mom had to go get her blood pressure checked while Marie was there and it was 156/82, even with the medication she's been taking. She is supposed to go to a follow-up appt with the doctor next week but neither Marie nor I would put any money on her actually going. Of course, it's likely that that's related to why Mom's legs are swollen, and we are really hoping that if Mom *does* see the doc that the doc will notice her legs (I would really love to call the doc and ask her to look at them, but Marie says there seems to be a real security barricade at the HMO and doesn't think I'd get through). As Marie pointed out, her blood pressure might even relate to her memory problems. Mom has unfortunately gone back to not wanting to move - Marie tried really hard while she was there to convince her otherwise but just made her mad. We're going up next weekend so it'll be my turn to try - that and try to convince her to get rid of her car that's sitting at the bottom of the driveway with three flat tires (which she claims were slashed by her next-door neighbor - slashed maybe, by the neighbor I seriously doubt. I wouldn't discount flat from lack of use, either).
In babysitter news, the search for someone to do one day a week
marches on. The four-day-a-week babysitter asked me to call her friend
again so I did. The friend informed me that after talking with her
husband she decided that she wanted a five-day-a-week job, and if ours
was available she'd take it! I said that didn't seem very fair to her
friend and she was like, "Yeah, I guess not." We are meeting
some real freakin' winners here! 
I also tried calling Laurel's ex-teacher and aide who watched her while
the babysitter in the next county was on vacation, but neither of them
were available. I'll try calling the university after the video EEG is
over - it's not urgent for the next couple of weeks anyway, since Laurel
won't be going to her sitter's for the next two Mondays.
One more thing, we found out yesterday that Laurel's speech therapist
has resigned, effective the end of the month. We are *very* sad about
that - she's been working with Laurel for over two years and has been
one of her biggest champions. She really helped us believe in Laurel's
mental abilities when we weren't so sure ourselves. Wah...
This afternoon at least we got some relaxation in - had a babysitter
(one of the ones I arranged for Bob's anniversary present) and went
tubing on the James. The river was low and it was really slow going but
it was sure a beautiful day for it.
But then I got home and found an e-mail from BRIGHT's president that
just really topped off my disgust level with him (I really feel like he
is running the group to find a cure for his daughter and s#$%w the rest
of us if it doesn't work for our kids - I also feel like he tends to
have a tenuous relationship with the truth...). I just told him what he
could do with himself and I'm in a pretty big funk right now. 
Anyway, that's the news from here...going to go get some dinner and try to chill out...
I just called my mom and there was no answer...she doesn't go out at
night (hell, she hardly goes out at all) and she never goes to bed
before midnight. I've called the police where she lives and I'm sitting
here waiting by the phone...
She's OK...just going deaf...
She was in the back bedroom watching TV and couldn't hear the phone...or the answering machine that both Bob and I screamed into...or the police...she didn't realize there were police there until she wandered out to the kitchen and they were coming up the stairs! I feel kind of stupid for panicking...but it's all that much more reason she should not be up there all by herself...
We're all back from the hospital!
Wow, yesterday was an ordeal! First off, Laurel didn't go to sleep till 12:30, and then she woke up at 1:30, 3:30 and 5:30. Only I had gotten up at 5:00 (because I had to in order to get us ready and be at the hospital by 9:00) and was already in the shower by 5:30. So I started speed-showering, fortunately that time she managed to settle herself by the time I got to the shampoo. Got to the hospital and got her hooked up to the EEG which was the usual screaming misery, was sitting down at Admissions waiting for a room by 11 AM. 2 PM came and there we still were. Laurel had been an angel for the first couple of hours, but by 1 PM she was two hours overdue for her tube feeding and she started to whine and cry. Finally at 2 they told us someone was coming from Transportation and it STILL took a while but we made it up to the floor by about 2:30. Only to find out, guess what, we didn't have a private room after all. I could see my plans for getting some sleep at home while Bob stayed with her going up in smoke, since the other girl was coming with her mom. Anyway, I told the nurse we had to get Laurel fed ASAP and she set things in motion for both the tube feeding, and also, when I told her Laurel could eat purees, she ordered a pureed lunch thinking that might arrive faster. It did, actually, so I started shoveling pudding and mashed potatoes w/gravy into the kid (the meatloaf and corn were too stiff for her so I ate them - I hadn't had anything since 6 AM myself...) while the nurse assembled the tube feeding parts. Meanwhile they were having all kinds of trouble getting the EEG working and people kept running in and out with different cables and poking at Laurel to change them. Finally had Laurel fed and settling for a nap when the roomie showed up. She turned out to have Rett syndrome and be prone to shrieking often and loudly. Meanwhile, Laurel still has issues with sharp noises, so instead of getting a nap she got startled every few seconds. (I have to admit it was totally getting on my nerves too...one of those things that makes you appreciate that the hand you got dealt could have even been worse.) By the time Bob showed up at 7:30 we were both exhausted and I was snapping and snarling at the prospect of spending the night there. But both the other mom and I started applying heavy pressure to get one of us moved (I volunteered, actually, because the final upshot of the connection problem was that Laurel was hooked up to a portable video EEG machine so we seemed like the obvious choice). It turned out that the other girl was there for a 6-hour deep sleep EEG which she wasn't very likely to get with Laurel in the room, the way she's been sleeping lately (she's been waking up 2-3 times a night the last couple of weeks - wish we knew why...). So we just couldn't have been more incompatible as roommates! Finally we were told that they were moving the patient in the room next to us and we were going over there, so I hung out past the end of visiting hours (9 PM) to help with the move, and by 10 PM Laurel and Bob were settled in the other room and I was *finally* on my way home. Took out the garbage, washed a few dishes, collapsed in a heap.
Anyway, after all that...the good news is that Laurel had the movements we were concerned about this morning and they got them on tape. And now we know what they are. They ARE seizures, so it's not the best news, but they are very brief, probably not causing further damage, and not indicative of anything else. Other than the spikes that they also observed on the ambulatory EEG, they didn't see anything else. The doctor there said he wasn't even sure they were worth medicating, but after consultation with Laurel's neuro the decision was made to up her nighttime dose of seizure med 1 ml. I asked why we tend to see them when she's in discomfort with gas/constipation and he said that they are probably reflexive seizures. The most famous kind are the ones in response to flashing lights (they did that to Laurel in the EEG lab and *her* response was to try to push the light away - I ended up having to hold her arms down!) but they can be set off by all sorts of things.
So we will trying raising the nighttime dosage, and we're supposed to
see her neuro again in six weeks. I feel like it's not the very best
news, but we really were getting pretty concerned they were seizures so
given that the news was about as good as it could have been. And
phew...at least THAT'S over. Bob and Laurel went home; I had to put in
an appearance at work but I'm planning to leave early myself. Maybe we
can all take a nap this evening... 