Updates on Laurel: September 2001

I need to whine. We didn't get to go to the amusement park this weekend and Laurel has been miserable for what seems like forever.

I'll start with Laurel first. She has been panicking when we lay her on her back, waking up screaming in the middle of the night, and periodically throwing her arms out and crying even while we're holding her. I think this has been going on for a couple of months now. We have been guessing reflux and trying various things for that (including some things that wouldn't seem really obvious, like things for constipation) and, starting Thursday, we started Prilosec, a very strong antacid that we were sure would work. Well, actually, the parts of her symptoms that seemed the most reflux-like DO seem better, I think. But she is still panicking, screaming and crying. We are about at our wits' end and it seems like we are fighting all the time again. Laurel's ped doesn't work Mondays and Tuesdays, so I'll have to call her tomorrow. I guess I'm wondering now if there are any more tests they can run.

Meanwhile, we went to Pittsburgh this weekend to see my mom. It had been planned for some months that my sister would also be up this weekend, and we had planned to leave Laurel with her for one afternoon/evening and go to an amusement park (Kennywood). Well, my sister had other things come up and couldn't go, and my mom said she knew how badly we needed a break, so she would watch Laurel for us. We were dubious, since this is the same woman who has promised various other times to watch Laurel, then always gotten too afraid and chickened out. But I guess I was still hoping against hope. Well, I couldn't get her to practice with the tube-feeding until the feeding before we were going to leave. I talked her through the set-up and thought it went OK, although not great. Bob talked her through the tear-down, and told me on the way to Kennywood that he was really nervous about her, that she had done some really dumb (and hurtful to Laurel) things like trying to remove the tubing from Laurel by yanking it out as opposed to prying gently at the connection. Well, sure enough, we were just coming up to the entrance of the park, and Mom called on the cell phone and all sorts of things had gone wrong. So we turned around (the ONLY thing I can say for this is, thank goodness we hadn't paid admission yet) and went back. And kissed our chance to get to an amusement park goodbye.

I suppose I shouldn't be, but I'm really mad at my mother. I sure wish I had a mother I could leave my child with once in awhile, like other people do! It would be so nice...we could so use a break...I guess I feel like disappointment has been a regular part of our lives since Laurel was born, and I don't need my mother to be yet another source of it. But that won't happen again, since now I know my mother is not to be trusted. Sigh...

Thanks for listening to me whine.

Thanks to those who posted to my whine yesterday! I hope the many folks who didn't don't think I'm an awful person for going on about my mother like that! It's not that I hate her or won't speak to her again or anything like that, it's just that she has repeatedly said she'll watch Laurel and it NEVER works out! (But she SWORE, this time...and it's not like I EXPECT her to watch Laurel, like I think she owes me or anything, but she volunteers and then backs out.) And we are worn out and worried and just didn't need for that to happen again. We need a break, so we wanted to believe we would get one. We have NO idea what's wrong with Laurel but argue back and forth about everything from gas pains to seizures to "it's just brain damage." And I think we fight so much because underneath we are just so scared that we won't be able to help her. We had really had hopes for the Prilosec and are very disappointed that it didn't seem to do more. So, it was just a bit much to have that disappointment and then have the disappointment of not getting out for some fun on top of that.

I'm just worried that I got so few responses yesterday (compared to a number of other posts) because you guys think I'm terrible for whining like that! Of course, maybe I just turned you all off with my epic-length (as usual) post... ;-)

September 5, 2001 (2:54 PM)

Totally off-topic, but we have an appt for our cat Fuzz to be put down on Friday. I just hope I have the strength to go through with it. She is suffering SO much - the cancer has eaten at her back legs until she can hardly walk (I don't even know how she's doing it - if you turn her over they just flop), and they're starting to swell now too. The tumors are just disgusting, I won't even go into it. I can't stand to let her keep suffering like this. I just worry that I can't stand to kill her either! I think I could use a few strength vibes...

It's about four hours till the vet gets here to put down Fuzz...I think I need more calming and strength vibes.

I KNOW this is the right thing to do. Fuzz has gotten a LOT worse in the last 48 hours and can barely even stand today. But I totally lost it after I got Fuzz a can of food and our younger cat Jenny was trying to muscle in on it and I told her, "You have a lot more cans in your life, but this is Fuzz's last one." (Jenny is about to get a trip to the basement, I think.) And as soon as Bob gets back from the babysitter (Bob and I are both taking today off, but we decided that Laurel was still going to the babysitter so we could have the time to ourselves) we have to decide where to bury Fuzz. This is going to be such a long day...

TIA for the vibes and thanks to all those people who posted responses to me about this already!

Thanks everyone...it's over. Everything went smoothly, and at least she is not suffering anymore.

One more thanks to all the folks who posted to me about Fuzz-I know it was so off-topic, but I spent 16 years with that cat. I sure do miss her. But I'm SO glad she's not in pain any more. All right, I have got to try and get some sleep! Goodnight all! 

So is ANYONE managing to accomplish ANYTHING right now? I know all I'm doing is sitting here at work listening to and occasionally watching MSNBC (I was able to get it after hitting "refresh" when I was refused the first time).

Bob's office has closed and my office is half empty and my boss says she'll understand if we don't stay - she says she can't get any work done herself. I'm stuck here for a 2 PM phone meeting, but may leave after that. I just got an e-mail (from a place I downloaded some shareware from, of all things) telling me "Do not let terrorism which is designed to create fear and stop production, halt your life or work. Stay focused and do not stop what you are doing." But how the heck do you concentrate with this stuff going on?

Bob's brother does consulting work in NYC sometimes, so I'm a little worried about him - although chances are pretty thin he was anywhere in the area. My boss was worried that the plane crash in PA was near my mom, but it's about 45 minutes away from her. My only other concern for us personally is that there's a major security target not so many miles from our house - fortunately, it is in the other direction from where we (and Laurel) are.

Well, I guess I should settle down and try to do SOMETHING...prayers and (((HUGS))) for all of those with people they care about who are missing or being deployed!

Pretty much every church in town (including ours) is having a vigil tonight. We're going, anyone else?

Well, Laurel was 10 months old today...wish we'd felt more celebratory. Here's to 11 months being better!

[In response to a question about how Jenny the cat, and the rest of us, were doing]

Jenny is so lonely, she is driving me nuts! I sure wish we had the energy to get another cat right now, b/c I think she could use the company. Fuzz never really liked Jenny, but Jenny was so little when we got her from the SPCA that I think she thought Fuzz was Mom (I'm pretty sure the folks who took her to the SPCA must have lied about her age). Of course, we miss Fuzz terribly, and at the oddest times. But we have NO regrets about putting her down - if anything, we wish we could have done it a couple of days earlier - she declined really fast at the end and by the time the vet came, she was one of the most miserable creatures I've ever seen. I am so glad the vet was able to come here, so Fuzz could spend her last moments on the deck in the sun.

On the other hand, and definitely helping our spirits right now, Laurel is doing great! Just as we were despairing that the Prilosec wasn't helping her reflux at all, it started to work. She is doing so well, we've been able to take her off simethicone and Zantac, and will probably try taking her off the Gaviscon this weekend. And she is in SUCH a better mood, and so much more alert and energetic! I think we had no idea what a miserable little kid she was. :-(

Meanwhile, Bob and I are both losing our minds trying to get everything we both need to get done at work done before we leave for the Northwest (we hope) on the 26th. Bob especially, because he's going to a conference in the middle of that (that's why we're going there) and he has to present a poster! But I have a ton of stuff I have to do too, especially with the class in Web Design II that I'm taking for work. So, I should get to bed, tomorrow is another busy day, and I really need to get focused again. But thanks for asking!

Laurel is still having her ups and downs - overall, her tummy's been doing better lately, but this morning she was once again flinging her arms out and screaming hysterically (we THINK it's gas pains, but we're by no means certain). We've already been through many long conversations with her ped, and we're doing everything we can think of. This morning, I cried in frustration. I still feel halfway like crying. I have actually typed this entire long message one-handed, b/c Laurel can't be put down.  I feel just plain worn out.

AGGGGHHHH, I'm losing my mind!

OK, I'm done screaming now, LOL! I know my problems of getting ready for my vacation are small in the grand scheme of things, especially when you consider that at least I *am* getting a vacation!

Well, I have to get back to my freaking out! We're driving up to Baltimore tonight and flying out of BWI tomorrow morning. We'll be gone through Oct. 8, and I don't think I'll have much access to the Internet.

OK, folks! We're outta here! Going to stay by the airport tonight and fly tomorrow to Seattle - wish us a safe trip!

I just wanted to say a quick "hi" from Port Angeles, WA!