Bob left about 24 hours ago and it's been a LONG 24 hours...first there was the exploding diaper, and now our babysitter has given her notice.
The fun started a couple of hours after Bob left when I gave Laurel another Babylax because she hadn't pooped in five days. (I tried to call her ped Monday about this, but she never returned my call and doesn't work Tuesday or Wednesday). Well, Round 1 was OK but Round 2 went EVERYWHERE - my pants, my socks, my slippers, the chair, the floor, the ottoman, and when I carried Laurel over to the changing table (fortunately we were just in the rocker in her room), the throw rug and the changing table, including stuff on the shelves. I didn't even get everything halfway under control (removable poopy stuff in the bathroom, floor and changing table and us cleaned up) until quarter of 11. By which time I needed to get Laurel's last feeding and her stuff for today ready. By the time I finally had her in bed and everything ready for today, it was 12:30 and the poopy stuff had to wait till the morning. Fell asleep at 12:45, got up about 2:00 with her for about 15 minutes, again at 4:30 for about 45 minutes, and again at 6:30 (that time for good). Got her off pretty well this morning and in not nearly as bad a mood as she's been the last couple of days. Set poopy stuff to soak, got ready for work, ran to allergist for my shot, gobbled lunch, ran over to help babysitter with wheelchair, ran back to get about four hours of work done. Left a little early to go to store, got caught in traffic jam, raced through store to get dinner and breakfast, ran to babysitter's. Only to find babysitter giving notice.
Mind you, we did know this probably wasn't going to last forever because we had no good answer for what we were going to do while she's gone for most of March. Also, we haven't been able to find a long-term solution for the fifth day that she didn't want to work and have been struggling week to week, although Laurel's ex-teacher had just told me she was updating the list of special ed students interested in babysitting so I was hoping we might find a live one there. Still, we had really hoped we could at least put off the whole ad-and-phone-call mess again until after Christmas. I do NOT feel like I can stand to deal with it again right now. We have been through three babysitters in six months and I am still struggling with having lost out on that job. I am really starting to question whether it's worth going through this but at the same time worried about finances and killing my career, which I used to like and still might like if I were working for someone else. And I could honestly about smack the babysitter for hitting me with this tonight when I told her when I was over there earlier how tired I was today, and when she knows I have to deal with it by myself (I tried calling Bob but he's not at his hotel room, think he was going shopping tonight). But I guess she felt she had hit *her* limit (both Laurel and her baby had a bad afternoon) and couldn't wait. I took it OK at first but then she wouldn't shut up and let me leave and I ended up breaking down in front of her and tearing out of there. I feel SO on the ragged edge right now. I cried most of the way home, I'm just shaking, and Laurel is literally screaming in the next room (she was falling asleep in her chair so I tried to put her down for a nap, but that's not what she wanted).
Well, Laurel has finally stopped crying and dropped off. I think I'm going to lie down until something wakes me up. It'll probably mess up her feeding and sleep schedule but I'm having trouble giving a rat's ass right now. I have got to pull myself together...48 more hours till Bob gets home.
Oh, and I have my re-visit for my antidepressant tomorrow (in the
midst of doctor appts that were primarily for other things, I went back
on Lexapro). Should be interesting, not sure what I'm gonna say...the
Lexapro is doing better for me than the Zoloft but not great. I don't
think any pill's gonna crack *this* one, anyway. 
Oh, also, I'm figuring if Laurel hasn't pooped again by Friday morning and I still haven't had any success in getting the ped on the phone, I'm dragging Laurel in on Friday.
Crud, never mind about the nap...Laurel's awake again...
Update...
Wednesday night was another horrible night for Laurel and she was so tired and cranky I felt like an awful mommy for sending her to school, but I was supposed to go get my u/s and bloodwork in the morning and with Bob out of town, I couldn't keep her home and do that. (I was relieved when I got her notebook back from the school for the day and it said that she zonked at first but participated well later - not ideal but definitely better than I was picturing!) I did decide that she needed to see the doctor sooner rather than later, not only because of the BM problem but because of my ongoing suspicions that she has a sinus infection. It took a couple of calls but I finally got an appt in the afternoon. I had to move my antidepressant re-eval (it's Tuesday now) but that didn't feel like any big loss.
So, I got Laurel to the doc and it turns out that on top of everything else she has hand, foot and mouth disease! It's not showing up on her hands and feet but she has these horrible red ulcers in the back of her mouth and throat. (That would explain why the last couple of days before that when she had to cough because of the gunk in her throat, she was screaming...) Of course, there's nothing to be done about that but give her Motrin or Tylenol but no wonder the kid is miserable! The doc was uncertain about the sinus infection but decided to give it the benefit of the doubt and gave us Amoxicillin. She figured that would have the added benefit of helping Laurel poop (antibiotics tend to give her diarrhea). She also thought we should try a few more days of hydrocortisone suppositories (we had done a few days with some leftover ones but ran out before we could do what would normally be considered a full course).
So...Laurel was even more miserable yesterday and this time, although I had been supposed to go in for a repeat u/s and bloodwork because my estrogen was a little low, I just felt that I could *not* send her to school. So I called the RE's office and they told me to just go ahead and trigger last night anyway and we'll do the IUI on Sunday. And I kept her home for the day. I was SUCH a zombie yesterday. Every time she snoozed at all, so did I, but it was never for very long. I was literally counting the hours till Bob got home! She had another bad night yesterday, but she was his. Unfortunately, he didn't sleep well while he was away (this often happens to him) so he's already wiped. And I'm an aching mess from dealing with three days' worth of her straining (her high tone really kicks in when she's miserable and she pushes against a person and she is *so* strong). The good news is, she's pooped three times in the last 24 hours so I think we're finally getting caught up there. She might be feeling marginally better today but still pretty bad so we're wondering if we're going to have to cancel our weekend plans. We were going to take her to see her favorite singer up at Shenandoah National Park tonight (and he's not performing much any more, this'll be the first time we've been able to see him in about a year and probably our last chance for a while) and have a babysitter and go hiking tomorrow. We'll just have to see. Also, I need to work some this weekend because I only have 7.5 hours of sick leave left but had to take 11 hours off. Not to mention that I'm really behind on a project.
Meanwhile, on the babysitter front...Bob talked me into running the ad one more time, so it'll be in tomorrow's paper. I told him he has to talk to some of of the people this time (usually I do everything - all he does is show up to the interviews). I'm still feeling very conflicted over what I should do, though. I made a list of the pros and cons of quitting my job:
Against quitting:
1) I net about $800 a month (after we pay the babysitter). That's not
much, but we need every bit of it. We have been going into debt a little
more every month lately. It's true we could save some money by never
eating out or going anywhere, but we have so little fun as it is, and it
definitely wouldn't save the whole $800.
2) Although I'm not currently happy with my job, it's easier to get
another one when you're employed. There are only maybe half a dozen jobs
in my field in this area (one reason that job opening was such a big fat
hairy deal), but I think there may be another opening in a few months.
There is also the possibility that my current boss won't stay here all
that long (a lot of people agree that our agency is just a pit stop on
his road to glory). If I leave my job, I may very well not be able to
come back to the environmental field later. (Moving is out of the
question. There are only a handful of jobs in the world doing what Bob
does [writing analysis software for radio telescopes], most of them
where he works, and he doesn't want to do anything else.)
3) Laurel is frankly very wearing to take care of. Even when she's
having regular BMs, she has a huge amount of trouble with gas pain and
is often unhappy. Plus, she doesn't entertain herself very well but
bores easily.
4) I am not a homebody - staying around the house every day drives me
nuts. The six months I was unemployed before I got this job were really
hard for me. And Laurel is hard to take places. She hates her stroller
and wheelchair, plus if you go out for any length of time that means
dragging the feeding equipment.
5) I have already had a certain amount of trouble with various parts of
my body giving out because of the physical strain of caring for Laurel
(wrists and shoulders especially). I'm worried that could get worse if I
stay home with her every day. Like I said, she pushes a lot when she's
unhappy and she's VERY strong.
6) We'll lose our gym membership if I quit. There's no way we could
afford the gym without my salary and the subsidy we get for my
membership through my work. That means not only less exercise for me but
no warm therapy pool for Laurel.
For quitting:
1) Right now I really don't like my job. I feel totally undermined and
disrespected by my boss. Sometimes even waiting a year or two for him to
leave seems too long. Lately my job has definitely added a layer of
stress to my life. And I also have to say, my heart isn't really in it
like it used to be. I went into the environmental field hoping to make a
difference and I don't feel that my job here has made much of one.
2) I wouldn't have to go through the agony of the babysitter search
again, and wondering how many months this one is going to last. The
whole thing has been incredibly stressful and tiring.
3) I could get a lot done with Laurel in terms of oral feeding, program,
etc. (Although some of her babysitters have been good at this too, and
when they are good it's nice to not have all the burden fall on me for
that stuff.)
4) While she's in school, I'd have some free time every morning.
5) When Laurel's in a good mood, she can actually be fun. (Hard to
remember right now, when it's been like a month and a half since she was
in one...) She is basically a sweet kid and great to snuggle with, too.
6) We might be able to get an aide paid for through Medicaid that might
enable me to work from home part time, if I could find something (don't
know how feasible that is). We found out a month or so ago that Laurel
qualified for this one program, the catch was that the aide isn't
allowed to do tube feedings so someone would have had to come home and
feed her, which wouldn't exactly work when there is a half-hour commute
each way. I'm a little dubious about this whole program though...I know
Medicaid doesn't pay the aides very well so I'm kind of wondering what
quality you get.
7) If my mom moved here, if I weren't working I would be able to spend
more time with her. (Of course, I'm not totally sure if this is a pro or
a con... 
)
OK, think I'm finally done rambling...Laurel is whining and I think Bob could use a break...thanks so much for reading!
Feeling a definite sense of relief today...
Over the weekend we hired a babysitter and I finished the first draft of a plan (for work) that's been hanging over my head for months. Not a *fun* weekend, but a really productive one, which I always kind of figure is the next best thing. Although after working my butt off last night I'm having a hard time getting in the groove today.
This babysitter will really be something different - she's an RN with
a special-needs child of her own (less severe, but still
challenging-sounding) who wanted the job so badly that she was all
choked up when I offered it to her! She reassured us repeatedly at her
interview that the pay was not an issue for her and told me last night
that she'd been praying so hard for the job and had already been
thinking about all the things she'd like to do with Laurel. Believe me,
we don't usually get this kind of enthusiasm! Although it made me feel
better for picking her because believe it or not, we had three really
top-class candidates and it was a tough choice. We still have the ugly
task ahead of letting the people who didn't get the job know. 
Meanwhile, on Saturday morning I went to a workshop on "Finding a Career with Heart." For me it just kind of scratched the surface on the topic but the same guy offers a 12-class series that I'm considering taking. One thing I like about the series is that you form buddy groups to encourage you to keep on track for whatever you've decided to do after the class is over.
So if Laurel were just sleeping and feeling better life wouldn't be
too bad right now! I think/hope a lot of it's gas from the antibiotics,
which we have another week and a half of.
Hoping we're on the beginning of an upward trend, anyway...I think we're
due... 